To leave, or not to leave...

7.13.2008

I just realized today that Tracy and I are fast approaching our five-month mark. They say time flies when you are having fun, but I'm going to argue that time is hardly a distinguishable unit of measure while living in China. Wow, five-months, almost a half-year.

I've reached a pivotal point in this China adventure: I'm finally legit and my first day at Wall Street is tomorrow. Like anytime one starts a new job, I'm both excited and nervous. Although I have a really good feeling about the opportunity, only time will tell how well I will fit into this company. After everything I've (we've) endured to secure this new position, I feel my experience at Wall St. will have a profound influence on my future in China.

-How much longer should I/do I want to....stay?
-How much longer can I bear the pollution and over-population?
-When the bad really does outweigh the good, will I be capable of admitting this truth to myself?
-Wait, what I am I really doing here?
-If I return to the States now, what am I actually going to do?

The latter question is honestly the 'big one,' as I don't really know what I want to do when I come back. Tracy and I recently met a really cool group of New Yorker expats at a dance-club, with the usual dialog: "hey, where you from?" "what are you doing in this crazy place?" "how long you been here" "how long you gunna stay?" I particularly liked Tracy's witty response to the NY's question: "What are you two doing in Beijing?" "We're running away from grad-school!" When we reciprocated the question, the young NYer responds, "I'm studying Chinese." "ohhh, cool," I mentally respond, "you're actually accomplishing things here, what's that like?" Of course, this is not to deny that I'm gaining important life-lessons and unforgettable cultural exchange, but, you know...

Over the past 6 years I've lived in Bakersfield, San Francisco, Portland, and Beijing. I don't really have a place that I call "home." When I return to Bako for holiday visits, I don't feel attached to the place at all. On the contrary, the Bush bumper-stickers, suburban sprawl, Taco Bells, SUV's and strip malls make me cringe. The City by the Bay? Along with Tony Bennett's, my heart still resides in San Francisco. But I had a great stint there, made life-long relationships, and can always go back (when I'm pulling in 1.5 million USD annually). I left Portland right about the time I was finally feeling settled there. When I think of "home" my emotions gravitate towards P-town, mostly because my mother lives there and it is the last place I left. So what next?

I'd be lying to myself and everyone that knows me if I said I didn't have a particular female in my life that is pulling me Westward. I'll confirm the truth of the old cliche: absence makes the heart grow fonder -- oh how I miss her so. Until now I've never experienced the feelings of almost complete isolation. Unless you've lived an extended amount of time w/o the luxury of picking up your phone and calling your loved-ones, you could never understand how much that messes with your emotions. Just 15 years ago, expats living abroad didn't even have the internet as means for staying in contact with friends and family. I couldn't imagine that.

Back to Portland, get a part-time job, do some volunteer work in the psychological field, and start applying to graduate schools?? Hmmm. Fun. Sounds so, like, grown up. Then what? A career? Shudder.

I'm well aware that having a house, a wife, and a decent career doesn't mean that your life is over. In fact, a steady income could provide for more traveling opportunities. But I do have a perpetual fear of conformity, establishment, and the cookie-cutter lifestyle. I'm learning a lot more about myself during this adventure, but it seems that the more I learn, the more perplexed I become about the future.

The roller-coaster ride that is China coincides with my internal perspectives of life, here, on planet Earth, in the 21st century. I live desperately and dangerously inside my own mind, an atmosphere full of outrage at myself and fellow homo sapiens for the decisions we are making and the state of the world. At times I see our species as nothing more than consumers, spending our dreadful lives acquiring income to rush out and spend it on pointless items that are happily displayed on an end-cap on the third-floor, isle-3, of WalMart. Like androids we all push our carts, trying to avoid eye contact with each other, trying to gather the goods we "need" and go about our day. You drive home in your cushy air-conditioned mid-sized SUV, unpack your goods, with two-thirds of all items purchased finding its way to a landfill near you. Ahhh, modern-day hunter and gathers.

Meanwhile I meet people who, despite their impoverished conditions, unthinkable hardships, and foreseeable permanence in this life and country, with a huge smile on their face, yelling "Hellllo" to me, and offering me beer, food, and cigarettes. I have educated, middle/upper-class students who are well aware of their place in the international community, and share similar dissatisfactions about the Chinese gov't, overpopulation, and depressing pollution, but seem to be endlessly optimistic despite the reality that it is here they will live, here they must stay. I have young children students who adore me and jump on me when I arrive for the lesson, and can't for the life of them pronounce my name correctly, always referring back to "tee-cha." Their parents pay me top-dollar in hopes that they can give their only allowed child more opportunity in this unfathomably competitive country.

It is so much easier for Tracy and I to complain about the ugly side of China because we can simply pack-up and leave whenever we want. Ultimately, in this mind I live in, I'm constantly reaching out to grasp the profound human spirits I experience here, in hopes I can use it to combat my growing pessimism and disdain towards the ways of this world.

Tracy, some friends, and I share a taxi home after a late night of well deserved dancing and we pass "The Nest" Olympic Stadium on Fourth Ring Road. It is massive, illuminated, iconic, and awe inspiring. We sit in silence, heads simultaneously moving backwards as our eyes are fixated on the architectural marvel. The whole world's entire gaze is on this very area, and here we are, living and breathing it.

I don't think it is quite time to come home yet.

-c