Cookin Up Disaster

5.23.2008

On our latest massive consumption trip to our neighborhood Walmart [how we consistently spend over 100 USD every time we go to Walmart is truly boggling] Collin spotted some good ol' Hunt's pasta sauce in the Imported Food section. "We should pick up some fresh noodles from our street and make spaghetti tonight," he brilliantly suggested.

So we invited a few friends over [only 1 came, but that's actually a high turnout given the number of people we actually had to invite] and set a time. Collin and Sylvia [said friend] went and bought the noodles and some fresh veggies. He came back in holding two bags of fresh, homemade noodles. With a huge smile, he asked, "Guess how much?"

"Umm, for both bags?"

"Yeah."

I knew it'd be low, because our street is amazing, so I threw out a guess of 5 kuai (about $0.70).

"Nope. 3 kuai and 60 fen."

"3.60? For both?"

"Yup." $0.50 for two full bags. Wow.

We started to prep the food. Collin asked me if we had bought a pot on one of our Walmart sprees. "Nope."

"How do we cook the noodles then?"

"I used the tea kettle last time. It's actually kinda cool-- it's like a pot and a strainer in one: just pour the water out of the spout."

Sylvia thought that this was quite hilarious, and even took pictures of our noodle filled tea pot. 0ur kitchen is quite small, so the 3 of us fitting in there to try and cook and move about was pointless. I kinda poked my head in and tried to help out here and there, but the trash can (which was full of old eggs) had already been knocked over once and it seemed as though everything was pretty covered. Collin pulled out the Hunt's to heat up. Then it hit me:

"Uhh, we don't have a can opener..." I shared my revelation. Most cans here have those pull back tabs, so this had never been an issue before. [Key word: had.] "It's cool, I'll run down the street and find one," I offered, grateful to be able to help out more.

"K. Hurry!"

I grabbed my wallet and threw on some shoes. I rushed down the street and went into the Dia Store-- the only actual store on our street-- sure that they'd have one. Just as I entered, I realized that I had no idea how to say "can opener" if I needed to. I looked around quickly, didn't see one. I spotted some cork screws and figured that the can openers would be nearby. No luck. A few employees noticed my searching and tried to help. I racked my brain for how I could act out "can opener" and cursed myself for not bringing my cell phone-- Sylvia could have easily been my translator right about now.

I leave Dia empty handed and popped into one of the small, independent markets on our street that are full of random goods. I looked about, inevitably gathering curious shop owners wondering what this random white girl could possibly need. I tried picking up a can of corn and made a can opener motion [not easy] but the problem was that it had a "pop top." All this accomplished was blank stares at how I could be so foreign that I don't even know how to open a can.

I tried the next place, grabbed a can, did my charade. A sweet old man in line saw me and I saw a flash of understanding cross his face. "Yea! He knows what I mean!" He said something in Chinese and the cashier nodded. Then the old man pulled out his wallet and offered to buy the can of corn for me.

"Awww, bu xiexie. Bu xiexie," I said. [No thank-you, no thank-you].

I flipped the can over to the non-pop-top side and tried again. Another worker put up a finger, telling me just a moment, and ran to the back of the store. My hopes went up again. She came back with a screwdriver.

I had one last stop before admitting defeat. I was offered a bottle opener. I contemplated buying it as it seemed to be the best option at this point, but figured it would do no good.

I walked back to our place and announced, "Mei you!" [Don't have one]. I gave them a quick synopsis of my unsuccessful game of Charade Scavenger Hunt.

"What do we do?"

"Dunno."

Collin put on his MacGyver gloves and went at the can with a hammer and a screwdriver. Messy success.

I came into the kitchen to survey the activity and my socks were instantly soaked. "What the...?"I looked down to find the floor half covered in a quarter inch of water. Collin and Sylvia hadn't noticed because they were wearing house slippers. After a short inspection the problem was discovered: our main pipe that drains the sink had come loose, causing all the water that went down the drain to drain instead to the floor. Whoops. Luckily, it slipped back on as easily as it had slipped off.

Meanwhile, the magnificent noodles were definitely overcooked and our moods were a bit frazzled. We finally sat down to a meal of overcooked fresh noodles [is that an oxymoron?] with spaghetti sauce, rye rolls, and a fresh cucumber and pepper salad. After all that work, I enjoyed the dinner immensely-- overdone and all.

Last night Collin picked up a potato dish, pork meatballs [aka "Balls of Heaven"], rice, and some garlic green beans. We filled our plates and then our stomachs. Total cost of dinner: about $2. And 15 mintues. As I ate the delicious leftovers tonight [yes, leftovers from a $2 meal is actually conceivable], I swore to myself I'd never cook in China again.

-T