10.09.2008
Being one of China's most treasured resources (a native English speaker) Collin and I are often overused and abused by people. Being well-humored, we are able to joke about it. We joke about it a little too much, maybe. I believe the amount of humor we find in our abuses has now reached masochistic levels.
You see, last Monday we did some "voice recording" work. It was, to say the least, an interesting experience. Put it this way: Collin and I can now call it even.
Last Saturday Collin casually asked me if I wanted to make some extra cash by doing some voice recording. It sounded harmless enough-- which is generally a huge red flag.
"Are we going to actively take part in our own abuse?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Alright, I'm in."
He calls me late on Saturday night to inform me that the abuse, I mean work, will take place at 9 am on Monday morning. [I love being abused before noon on my days off.]
We get a call late Sunday night saying we need to meet at 8 am instead. The beatings had begun.
Monday morning, we meet up with a Chinese woman who speaks very good British English. (Unfortunately she speaks it a little too often, especially for 8 in the morning). Together the three of us take a cab to an apartment complex not too far from our neighborhood. We go inside an apartment that has been converted into an office & recording studio, where we are greeted by no less than 8 people. Collin turns to me, "Two people actually needed to get the work done and six others to stand around and watch?"
"Yup." [I love China.]
We're handed our voice recording scripts, which turns out to be English teaching material[surprise] for primary school children. We scan through the pages --about 10 in all-- and it looks simple enough. Let's get 'er done!
We are led into a recording room with fancy mics and soundproof material on the walls. The door shuts behind us, and we're told (via speaker from those in the neighboring room) we can begin when ready.
We start reading.
We're stopped.
"Um, could you maybe use a little emotion? You sound very boring. Like maybe you are sleeping." [Maybe?].
I dig deep down and pull out my "Oral Language Voice" that hasn't been used since '95 and begin again. Things are rolling along quite smoothly, until a word pops up that triggers my giggle reflex. The word was "nude." [I understand that I am nearly 25 years old, but seriously, why are they teaching 6 year olds the word nude?]. Collin rolls his eyes at me and tells me to get it together. We continue on.
The next page has the word: "delicious." This isn't a funny word, to MOST people. However, this is a highly loaded word in my family-- it is part of a never ending inside joke we invoke constantly. I giggle again. Collin joins me this time, but reprimands me for being "the worst person he could possibly be doing this with. Well, except for Erin."
The script moves from being simple words and phrases into dialogues. Very cheesy dialogues. Despite being a "Kitty" that is talking to Collin, the "Puppy" I manage to keep a straight face through these.
We get on a roll and are dishing out the dialogues, back and forth, back and forth. Then, in a dialogue between "Rabbit" and "Frog," a 3rd character was introduced: "Monkey." Collin and I exchange confused glances, but I read the part of Monkey anyway. At the end of the dialogue, the voice from the speakers cut in:
"Collin and Traylee? Yes, um, there is a 3rd character in this dialogue, see, so Traylee could you read Monkey in a different voice from Rabbit?"
I whisper over to Collin, "Different voice? I only have one voice."
"Um, sure.. okay, I'll try," I tell the speaker. Different voice... different voice.. a monkey voice? What does a monkey voice sound like? I don't do voices!
I tried. Really, I did. But I sounded so stupid. I couldn't get through a single sentence without erupting into laughter.
The speaker voice came on, "Maybe we should take a break?"
After a quick break & some mental prep, I knocked out the Monkey voice and we moved on.
The dialogues became more and more complicated; Collin and I would have to hold conversations between Pig, Rabbit, Dog, Monkey, and Frog in one dialogue. [Multi-logue?]. It was hard to keep all the voices straight as we read ("Was Pig my high voice or my low voice?") but it was harder to keep from laughing at how dumb we sounded.
Reading through all of the material basically blindly, we had little to no warning when an extra cheesy or funny word was approaching. However, as we neared the end of the script, a word a few lines ahead was glaring at me. There was no way in this world that I would be able to say (or hear Collin say) this word without completely losing it. The word, innocent to those who are not versed in American slang, was a synonym for 'rooster.' This is not a word I generally like to say out loud. Or while being recorded. Or while being recorded and sitting next to my older brother. Awesome.
The seemingly innocent script of conversations occurring between farm animals was dripping with sexual innuendos, causing my face & chin to be dripping with tears & drool as we laughed uncontrollably. The Chinese people in the next room must have thought we'd absolutely lost our minds. We weren't just being immature or unprofessional. This was bad.
Let me give you a sample of what we had to say, but I will use the more proper term, "rooster."
Pig (Collin): Hi, Mrs. Duck!
Duck (Tracy): Hi, Mr. Pig!
Pig: How are you?
Duck: I'm tired. Mr. Rooster wakes me up at 5 am every morning!
Pig: Oh, that's too bad!
Duck: I don't like Mr. Rooster. Can you help me?
Pig: No problem!
The several botched attempts at getting though that dialogue was easily the hardest I have ever laughed in my adult life. The speaker voice cut in again "suggesting" another break.
We graciously accepted. As I went to the bathroom, I could hear Collin awkwardly explaining in the hallway: "You see, um, the word you're using for rooster is actually a, um, bad slang word in American English. That's why we are having such a hard time saying it."
"Oh, no, should we change it?"
"No, no. It's okay. We get what you mean. It is just kinda difficult to say sometimes without laughing."Collin and I go back into the room, vowing to knock the rest of the script out so we can get our money and go. Grateful that it wasn't me saying "rooster" this time, Collin got to try his own luck with the lovely word:
"Duck, duck, duck,
Rooster, rooster, rooster
Duck in front,
Rooster in back!"
There was only one page left-- we were nearly out of the woods. And the barn.
But not without one more humiliating line for me:
"I'm a rooster!"
The speakers came on: everyone in the other room was laughing. Still not knowing quite what was so bad about the 'rooster' synonym, they at at least understood that me declaring I was one, was pretty damn funny.Mentally exhausted, we finally neared the end of the last page. Collin was in a zone as he read the final titles to each section:
"Let's Chant"
"Let's Sing"
"Happy Reading"
"Happy Spelling"
"Let's Chant"
"Let's Sing"
"Happy Ending"
"Happy Spell--" An explosion of laughter from my side of the table interrupted him again.
"What? What's your problem now?" he demanded.
"Happy ENDing? You just said Happy ENDing instead of Happy Reading!! God, you better hope the people in the next room don't know what that means."
The look on his face was priceless--he had NO idea that had slipped out.
I couldn't have asked for a more 'Happy Ending.'
